Dope Thoughts

i get told all the time “Felix do this” “Felix, i wish you did that” “Felix, why don’t you do this”. so then you know what Felix does??? i do it all! and yet still get bitched at for doing what is asked of me. it’s fucking bullshit. i hope that one day people will be happy with what they ask for. yup, that’ll be the day.

its super quiet in my apartment. i can hear kids outside laughing and enjoying the last bit of good weather. I’m laying on my couch stoned from boredom, and my body doesn’t want to move. i find myself here a lot in this spot. just me and this damn phone. here i am thinking of what is it that I’m doing in life that will never lead me back to this exact spot. I’m lost and broken. can’t seem to pick up these damn pieces. well i can pick them up, it’s that i can’t hold all of them together on my own. feels like I’m trying not to let grains of sand slip through my fingers. impossible. back to the same spot.

i guess this is the end of the rope. i found the end to something that i thought was forever. scratch that. it was forever, we just cut it short. I’d love to try and reattach it. but that knot that can hold it all together has a chance of untying. then what? we become “stuck” i guess.

i guess what I’m trying to figure out is whether or not fighting for something that can be lost is worth it. I’m always down for a challenge, but i don’t like when I’m set-up to lose. I’ve got a lot of searching to do. and I’m so far behind i don’t see any sight of light ahead. I’ve finally came across something i couldn’t just talk my way out of. let my dark journey begin with hope of finding that light to lead me in the right direction.

i can’t do it anymore. all i feel is pain now. I’m like a slave. I’m being told what to do, yet I’m still getting whipped. I’m told to move faster, i do and yet im still being whipped. it’s like a joke to people. to see how far someone can be pushed. but this isn’t fair. ugh. i need help. fast.

whoever knew you could feel so lonely laying next to someone :-/. it’s epic. i don’t know why I’m kept around. i feel like I’m on a leash. when ever its convenient I’m around, but once I’m done kissing ass, I’m thrown to the side. how do i put my foot down? i need to figure this out. because I’m not a toy. i just want to find a way to be cared for. it’s sad really. I’m looking for any mind of temporary fix. looks like this well finally went dry.

i can’t stand when people tell you do a certain job that required you to challenge their decisions, so that way they make better decisions. but then get mad when you do the job they asked. like wtf?